Title: Put That Away
Author: Zoe-chan ([livejournal.com profile] zoe_chan)
Rating: PG-->13-R for excessive use of the word "penis"
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Remus, Sirius, mentions of James and Peter
Challenge: “That’s not a penis!” Remus sputtered. “That’s a weapon of mass destruction!” Thank you, Arnica.
Notes: Takes place during the school years, fifth year or higher. Marauders, of course.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I intend no copyright infringement. This is a work of love, resulting in no profit to myself, except for feedback. I am a feedback whore. Feedback me.

Put That Away

“That’s not a penis!” Remus sputtered. “That’s a weapon of mass destruction!”

Sirius smirked. “You say tomato…”

“Seriously, Padfoot. Put it away. You’re scaring me.”

“As you’re no doubt fully aware, I can’t be anything but Sirius.”

“You do know that that joke got old about eight minutes after we met, right? Now please, put it away.”

“You’re wrong, Moony. It got old about eight minutes after I was born. And what’s wrong with it? It’s just a penis. You have one. I have one. Why does this bother you so much?” Sirius wagged his eyebrows suggestively. “Feeling a trifle inadequate, are we?”

Remus scoffed. “No. Frankly, I wouldn’t want to have something like that dangling between my legs. I wouldn’t be able to walk! It’s not a penis, it’s a flesh-coloured baseball bat.”

Sirius looked down and laughed. “Well… I’m not sure if it’s that big, but it is a fair size.”

“It is quite that big, Sirius. Now please, put it back in the girls’ dormitory, where it belongs. I don’t even want to think what James and Peter would say if they saw us like this.”

Sirius shrugged. “If you insist.” He closed the magazine and rolled it up. “Girls are absolutely batty if they expect a fellow to live up to all of that anyway. Long walks on the beach? Candles? Ha! I’ll bet that arse didn’t mean even half of what he said in that interview.”

“Just get rid of it, please.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Yes, Mr. Lupin, Prefect, First Class Stick-in the-Mud.” Sirius placed the rolled up magazine carefully between his teeth and bit down lightly before transforming into a large, shaggy dog. Lifting his tail, he trotted off toward Gryffindor Tower to return the magazine to the girls’ dormitory.

Remus stared after him, shaking his head slowly. He could not, for the life of him, understand why it was that he had just spent the past hour and a half looking at pictures of naked men with one of his best mates.


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